The Alternate Ending For Pride And Prejudice
by JSlayerUK
Summary: The missing scene from the end of the book, if Jane Austen watched a lot of american sitcoms... FINISHED (NB. Is for comedic purposes only. Is not historically accurate.)


**TITLE:** The Alternate Ending To Pride And Prejudice   
**AUTHOR:** JSlayerUK   
**EMAIL:** JSlayerUK@aol.com   
**RATING:** PG by my standards, but others may say it's a 12.  
**DISCLAIMER:** Now I don't know exactly how to do this. But I guess what I ought to say is that none of these characters belong to me. They are owned by Jane Austen and probably some rich publishing company somewhere. I dunno.   
**SUMMARY:** The missing scene from the end of the book, if Jane Austen watched a lot of american sitcoms...   
**STATUS:** Finished.

* * *

"Why your potatoes are lovely madam! So round, succulent and juicy. I must compliment your housekeeper." 

"Thank you Mr Bingley!" Mrs Bennett cried. She turned to her new favourite daughter. "Your fiancée is such a fine upstanding gentleman, unlike some," She glared at Darcy. "My, my. I still cannot get over this! I simply cannot wait! - I simply will not wait! When is the wedding child?" 

Jane did not know. She ignored her mother's hysteria and turned to her smirking sister. This was most unusual. Lizzy had been so solemn for weeks. What Mr Darcy could have said or done to her earlier must have been amazingly amusing or some kind of secret. 

Lizzy's eye level rose above her turkey and across the table to a finer piece of meat. Mr Darcy had thought the same. One pair of fine eyes met the other and with the exchange of ideas, both went back to their cabbage. 

"Would you excuse me for a moment?" Lizzy rose out of her chair, ran to the bathroom and was watched by the same pair of eyes she had just locked with. 

"It's an utter disgrace I find!" 

"What, the carcass pits of Cumbria?" 

"Of course the carcass pits of Cumbria!" Mrs Bennett was in a frightful state. "What if we run out of food Kitty?" 

"I hear that there have been new out breaks near Pemberly Mr Darcy." 

Mr Darcy was far too preoccupied with all the comings and goings at the door to hear Mr Bennett's comment. As the servants came in one by one carrying trays of lemon meringues, Mr Darcy grew a little more hopeful that the next sweet thing to walk through would not be a desert but Lizzy. Mr Bennett took eight meringues, one for everyone, and passed them round. When Jane turned pass a plate to her sister, she noticed that her sister's moment had turned into an elongated absence. 

"What are you doing with that plate girl? Give it to your sister!" 

"Mother, she's not here!" Jane replied. 

It was not an amazing feat for the whole family to miss a daughter for ten minutes, since it appeared that the family had forgotten Lydia completely. 

"Somebody go get her..." 

"I'll get her!" Darcy cried. He then calmed himself. "Ahem. I shall attend to your daughter Mr Bennett." Darcy left. 

Jane grew more suspicious as time moved on. She was puzzled why her sister would miss a meringue dessert, as Jane knew Lizzy was always up for a large portion of cream. 

* * *

In the bathroom, Elizabeth sat in anticipation. She wondered if Mr Darcy had picked up on her subtle hints. She knew that she loved him, she knew that he still wanted her, but would he take her again? Would he have her again? Was she not good enough for him? Lizzy thought about all the women that had sought after Darcy, and what they could have done to get him. Caroline Bingley was always a bit of a tart.... Her anxieties were taken away with a knock and a voice at the door. 

"Lizzy?". 

* * *

Jane sat there and wondered why neither of them was back after fifteen minutes. Mr Darcy knew where the bathroom was surely... Jane decided that if anyone were going to find Lizzy, it would be her, the person closest to her. When Jane entered the bathroom however, there was definitely someone closer to Lizzy than her. 

"Mister Darcy!!" 

* * *

"Oh no..." 

"Merciful heavens! What are you doing?!" 

"My corset was giving some trouble." Elizabeth managed to think on her feet, despite sitting on Mr Darcy. She began lacing herself up. 

"Miss Jane," Darcy tried to talk his way out, "If I may make you understand..." 

"All that I understand, Mister Fitzwilliam Darcy is that you are an evil abusing monster, and will you leave immediately. I and my sister are disgusted at you an..." 

"Your sister," Lizzy began "is very much in love with this man." 

"What? But you have always hated him! Is this some sort of a joke? This is absurd." 

This would be trouble enough for the Bennett household, but true love managed to make things worse. The fine upstanding gentleman, Charles Bingley came for Jane only to stop at the door and hear an astounding revelation. 

* * *

"I swear to you Jane. You are my sister, and you've misinterpreted this!" 

"So are you saying that you allowed him to assault you?" 

All this shocked Darcy to his very core. 

"I am most insulted Miss Jane. I pride myself on being a gentleman and would never hurt a fly. If you are prejudiced against me, I beg you, please look deep into my eyes and I'm sure you will see a very different side to me than the proud man you have an image of." 

Jane's voice took a sudden change. She looked at her sister, and looked at Darcy. She could see the honesty in him shining through. 

"Mr Darcy..." 

"How could you?!" 

Bingley had heard quite enough, and this usually placid man had become a fiery hothouse. 

"How dare you try and seduce my fiancé!" Bingley yelled as he entered the room. "After all we have been through together! Now I realise why you never told me of her presence in London, for you wanted her to yourself when you knew I liked her! That crosses all the gentlemanly rules of friendship, honour and comradeship! What sort of friend are you?" 

Jane smiled, as she knew what had happened. 

"Mr Bingley, your friend did not try and seduce me. I think you will find that it is my sister he has taken advantage of.". Unknowingly, Jane had made Bingley even angrier than before. 

"You tried to take Lizzy, my future sister-in-law? Are you ill?" 

"Are you trying to say that my sister is not good enough for your friend?" Jane had turned on Bingley from his comment. 

"No, no, no. Your sister is a lovely woman." 

"So you want her instead of me?" 

"No, no, no. She is lovely, but not as lovely as you." 

"Are you saying that she's ugly?" 

"No, no, no. That's not what I meant." 

"Well, what did you mean?" 

In and amongst all this Darcy and Elizabeth were smiling at their friend and sister. 

"I must say Lizzy, it's nice to see that my friend is for once not as passive as usual..." 

"Indeed sir, for it shows that there is some hope for them and they shan't be taken advantage of in later life." 

Bingley noticed Lizzy and Darcy getting closer to each other as he continued to argue with Jane. 

"Wait a moment. You two are actually involved with one and another, aren't you?" 

"We were wondering when you'd notice." 

Bingley was at first happy for them, but then took a turn for the worse. 

"You were having a relationship with the sister of the girl I'm in love with..." 

"You're in love with me?" Jane stopped him mid-sentence. She couldn't believe it. 

"Yes, yes I do. You are the most wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, loveliest..." 

Darcy felt himself about to wretch. He was never the excessively romantic type. "You were saying Bingley? Not that I do not care about you, but you can go overboard at times...". 

"Oh yes. You were having a relationship with the sister of the girl I'm in love with, without telling me? Your supposed 'closest friend'?" 

"Closest friend? Maybe back in the old days, but not anymore." 

Bingley was taken aback by this. He didn't know why Darcy would react like this. 

"Darcy? What are you talking about? Of course we're still the best of friends." 

"You can say that, but you haven't been following it up." 

Darcy proceeded to pick up a bar of soap, throwing it up and down and up and down again whilst pacing in rather intimidating manner. It was obvious he was not in one of his better moods. 

"Ever since that dance at Netherfield, you've been a different person." 

"Different person? What...." 

"Ever since that woman," he pointed at Jane, "came into your life. You were no longer my friend. You didn't even have the courtesy to talk to me." 

"That still gives you no right to go after Lizzy." 

"Well you could hardly expect me to just sit back and be left alone did you? I thought you were going to be there for me, and you abandoned me for that Bennet tart!" Darcy caught the bar of soap that was forever oscillating and waved it at Bingley in a menacing way, moving it with every syllable. "You got yourself a Bennet, now I've got mine." 

Bingley couldn't believe his ears. The many years together meant he could read Darcy like a book... but this would only work if he could see past his rage. 

"I know what this is about. You're jealous." 

"Jealous? Don't make me laugh." 

"Yes you're jealous." Bingley flashed back to the days they spent together roaming the north of England. "You're upset and you're angry. But things can never be the way they were!" 

"Why not?" 

"Because. Because we're not young anymore. We have to think about the future." 

"You really don't know what you did to me did you? You abandoned me! After all we've been through. How could you do this Bingley?" 

The girls grew confused. Their fiancés' conversation grew more and more peculiar by the minute. But they continued to listen, after all, deep truths about their history together were being unearthed, and as husbands and wives, they should know what truly torments their partner's souls. 

"Darcy. You have to move on! You can't go on like this! I told you, I don't love you. I never loved you!" 

"But all those times..." 

"We were young. But University's over. We were experimenting, but it meant nothing. Nothing." 

Bingley's cruel words hit Darcy like a ton of bricks, already cemented with heavy duty cement. His heart was severed. 

* * *

"Oooh! I just know things are going so brilliantly in there! I'm sure that Mr Bingley is being so wonderfully charming and polite as always!" Mrs Bennet exclaimed in the drawing room. "I can sense it in my nerves." 

"Your nerves," Mr Bennet calmly addressed "can sense anything. Even those things that are not there." 

"Oh Mr Bennet! I tell you. Everything is perfect. We must leave them alone. My nerves are never wrong." 

* * *

"Yes. That's right Darcy. Cry. Cry like a little French girl. Now you know how it feels to be wronged by someone you think is your friend!" 

"Now I know how it feels?" Oops. It appeared that the notion of something else had come to him. "Wait a minute... is this about what I think it is?" 

"What do you think it's about?" 

"I think it's about revenge." 

Bingley realised he couldn't keep such a thought from his friend, even if they weren't true friends at this moment in time. 

"Yes, it's revenge. Do you know what it is like to be friends with you? Do you know what it's like to have a friend who surpasses you in every way? I try by hardest, yet I get nowhere. Everywhere we go, people want to talk to you more. Discuss your wealth. Women fuss over you. And why? It's simply because you have higher parentage, and better looks. You're not even a nice person, do you know that? I deserve more than you. I always have." 

"Bingley, you're being ridiculous." 

"Am I? AM I? I'm not! It's just not bloody fair!" 

And before either of them knew it a small yet powerful hand came round the side of Bingley's head. 

"Owww! Jane my love! What the hell did you do that for?" 

He was asking for it. 

"Owww! Stop that!" 

Jane was never one for bad language, and she wanted to make sure it was out before the marriage began. Darcy on the other hand found it quite amusing. 

"Well at least I managed to pick the right missus, the one that doesn't hurt!" 

Some people just couldn't quit whilst they were ahead. 

"Owww! Lizzy!" 

The two sisters smiled at each other. 

"I'm afraid we've heard quite enough. Either you apologise or this wedding is no more." 

Jane turned to Bingley. 

"And I'm afraid my response is the same." 

The men felt foolish. They had let the past get in the way of the happy future. Being the males they were, they found it hard to be intimately sorry. After all, they had come to accept their differences and acknowledge that was passed. But a mumble later and all was well within the bathroom. Darcy and his Lizzy, Bingley and his Jane. Beautiful couples, all with an unspoken bond. The bond of what was shared in that bathroom. 

* * *

End.


End file.
